Saalon Muyo

Here is the logic used for Windows XP’s default Software Update settings:

1. If an update exists, get it.
2. If update requires reboot, automatically install and reboot the system.
3. If applications are open with unsaved documents, ignore this inconvenience and force them to shut down without saving.
4. When the user returns to their computer the next day to find the system restarted, supply a “Windows update ran!” message but do not mention the unsaved files.
5. Twist mustache and laugh.

I’m not here to talk about how awful Highlander: The Source is. Trust me, no words in the languages of men has the power to express that. I can do only this. Show you a picture of the guy above, the villain of this gargantuan pile of…see? No words.

This guy is The Guardian. He has stupid super-speed powers and dresses like a Clive Barker sex fantasy. Whenever Highlander: The Source threatens to become simply boring, The Guardian walks onto the screen to tentacle rape your cognitive functions.

The Guardian, on top of being one of the most insanely, MST3K-could-not-hope-for-better villains ever created, is apparently the human incarnation of fanfiction.

When Joe Dawson, fan favorite Highlander: The Series character shows up and runs him over with a truck, he gleefully squeals “Hey Joe!” even though the two have never met. Later, when facing an immortal, he first inquires and then - realizing that the 4th wall is for pussies - sings “Who wants to live forever?”

The Guardian isn’t here to help the plot along (he doesn’t) or to give us a good ending fight (all the fights suck anyway). The Guardian exists because the sentient embodiment of fanfic arose from the bowels of some Dragon*Con LARP room, put on his wife’s bondage gear and found the first available DTV franchise sequel. Star Trek was getting a theatrical reboot, and even fanfiction incarnate wouldn’t touch the Blade franchise at this point, so Highlander it was.

Oh, and the movie is really bad. There’s a reason someone wrote a blog post called “Highlander: The Source” Took a Dump in My Brain. When I found it I laughed so hard I cried. Ah, catharsis.