I promised myself a few long absences ago that I wouldn’t make big apologies when I finally came back to the blog. It’s a little unseemly having begs scattered throughout your archives, even if it’s unlikely they’ll be read. These things happen. New jobs become overturned lifestyles become…well, you know. Long fallow periods of shame.
Anyway, I’m only on about it now because it occurs to me my very extended absence from this blog is a symptom of a larger and more troubling extended absence from doing anything of note at all. I love my job, I do. Since I left my old position at TrueCommerce in December of 2009, I’ve never had a doubt that it was the right decision for me. But there are a lot of hours I spend not at this job, and those hours have been depressingly empty of meaning for a very long time. The non-blogging is just the most public result.
I haven’t written anything of interest. I’ve only queried once, got a quick rejection, then crawled back into my shell. I’ve abdicated every dream I have to a year long run of laziness and fear I’ve wallowed in for so long that even the prospect of shaking it off is terrifying.
I feel emo. If that doesn’t shame me, nothing should.
I don’t know that I’m on the verge of breaking out of this or not, but I needed – at the least – to put it down, publicly and concretely, that the longer this goes on the less happy I am.
Changes are coming. A reexamining of priorities and a laying aside of things that may sting to leave behind. Then we’ll see where I am.
Whine over. I’d say back to your normally scheduled programming, but that was silence, and silence has fallen long enough.